Joli and Ken talk about MS and Sex

This month, I’m grateful to be able to share my conversation with Ken and Joli Hamilton. Joli is a researcher, a Certified Sex Educator, and a Relationship coach. Ken is her primary partner who happens to have MS. They were previously an engineer and software developer but now they co-host a podcast with Joli called Project Relationship and acts as a peer guide in The Year of Opening, a coaching program for people transitioning from monogamy to polyamory. I highly recommend that you tune into their podcast (here’s an apple podcast link). You will hear them talk about sexuality, polyamory, kink, and just the messiness of relationships and family. Together, they often process issues during their show and this is a great gift. How many of us grew up lacking someone to model this kind of healthy communication? Raise your hands. 

I’ve broken the interview into two parts, but I want you to listen to both.

In part one we talk a lot about that surreal experience of dx and how they each processed it. As we all know, an MS dx is given to families, not just individuals, and we each deal with this shock differently. 

In part two Joli and Ken dive into more detail about how MS has been a part of the evolution of their sexual connection. This section is so juicy, make sure you listen to this one as well. 

Then on the 20th of July at 5 PM pst they will both join us for a live Q&A. This is such a treat- they are fabulously warm people and you’ll get a chance to talk with them yourselves. 

So many of the things we talked about in this interview are issues that I continue to work on in my relationship. So, what I love about the Q&A’s, is that they give us all a chance to have a live, in-person conversation where we can each share our perspectives and experiences. Like we’re sitting around the living room together. 

Here is what we covered in Part I

• Introductions/gender pronouns 

• Ken’s Dx

  • 1 month to the day after their wedding: “I had many feelings about that” 

  •  Struggle to absorb 

  • He views it as a part of his aging process 

• The importance of how they talk about MS and letting Ken guide that conversation

• Describing the moment of Dx

• Processing the Dx 

• How Ken used his life experience to give him a sense of perspective with his dx

• Dx creating a “gap in intimacy” 

  • (defining what gap in intimacy means to them) 

  • Overlapping erotic reality 

Here is what we covered in Part II

• How specific symptoms affect their sexuality and sexual connection

• Learning to ask each other “what is sex”

• Reconciling those different definitions 

• Joli talks about her shame and fear after Ken’s Dx

• Ken’s gift of emotional maturity and ability to reflect and their fear that MS will compromise that

• Ken talks about how his growing sense of self-determination helps him face the unknown in life from a place of strength 

• The importance of implicit vs explicit communication regarding MS symptoms 

• How MS affects sexual self-worth 

• Letting go of gendered expectations of sex and the body’s sexual response

• Accountability in relationships and the importance of being flexible with accountability

  • You must be open and communicate about symptoms in order to be truly accountable.

• We touch on kink and MS (but you’ll need to tune into the live Q&A for more)

Joli Hamilton is a research psychologist, an AASECT certified sex educator, TEDx speaker, and a sex & relationship coach. She holds a doctorate in depth psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute. She has spent many years working directly with clients helping them improve their relationship skills and is also a professor of human sexuality. Over the past two decades, she has started more than ten business ventures ranging from clothing design to personal training to providing birth & lactation doula services, all while managing her own relationships, pursuing her graduate degrees, and raising and homeschooling seven kids. You can read more about her and what she's doing right now at jolihamilton.com.

Ken Hamilton is a formerly-aloof human who fell in love with the mysteries of relationships in his late forties and never looked back. Early on, Ken trained in engineering, software development, and physics, trying to know things. Now they find true pleasure in the joys of intimate conversation and wondering out loud. Ken is co-host of the Project Relationship podcast and a peer guide in The Year of Opening, a coaching program for people transitioning from monogamy to polyamory.